At A Café
A man walked into a café and sat down, ordered a drink. As he sipped the drink, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the café keeper. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the café keeper over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the café keeper. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the café keeper. "They're complimentary."
Cleaning The Ducks
A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.
"Oh, my," exclaimed the lady, "Come on, I'll clean you!"
She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter.
She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.
Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.
And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.
She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling... Pssssst..."Hey, lady!"
"Yes?" she responded.
"Do you have a Kleenex?" asked the voice from the bushes.
"No, not anymore," she answered.
"Damn! Have ya' seen any Ducks?"
Go To Las Vegas
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, ''Damn it!''
Paying A Visit
A man travelling on a business trip was passing through his son's college town late one night and decided to pay him a surprise visit.
He arrived at his son's fraternity house, but since it was quite late, he had to knock for some time before getting a response. Finally, a sleepy voice could be heard from the upstairs window.
"Who is it?" the voice asked.
"Hello!" the father called out. "Is this where Steven Brady lives?"
"Yeah! Just dump him on the porch. We'll get him in the morning," the voice replied.
She’s Losing Her Voice
A man goes to the doctor and complained to him.
"Doctor! My wife has lost her voice. What can I do to help her get it back!"
"Try coming home at 3 in the morning."