5 Vet Jokes

An Unusual Vet

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own office with a shingle on the door saying. "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"


An elderly lady takes her rather limp pet duck to her vet. The vet takes a quick look at it and tells her "Sorry but your duck is dead!". The lady replies "How can you tell. You've hardly looked at it! The duck may be in a coma. I want a proper examination". The vet leaves the examination room and returns with a black labrador. The dog places his front paws on the examination table, sniffs the prostrate duck, turns to look at the vet and with doleful eyes sadly shakes his head. The dog then leaves the room. A cat runs in and jumps upon the table and after sniffing the duck for a while turns to the vet and lets out a pitiful meow before leaving the room. The vet then says to the elderly lady "Sorry but your duck is 100% dead." He then turns towards his computer and prepares his bill which he passes to the woman. The lady takes one look at the bill and exclaims "£120 just for telling me that my duck's dead!". The vet replies "Well if you'd have taken my diagnosis then it would have been £20 but since you didn't ... the rest is for the lab report and the cat scan!"

The Accountant

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor in India and said: "Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period." Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board. Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only. Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings. Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only... Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal. Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first. Doctor: OK. Tell me. Man: I sleep vigilantly like a dog thinking about my workload whole night. I get up in the morning like a horse, I go to work running like a deer. I work all the day like a donkey. I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday. I wag my tail in front of all my bosses. I play with my children like a monkey if I get time. I am like a rabbit before my wife. Doctor: are you an accountant? Man: Yes. Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are an accountant. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

The Difference Between Doctors and Veterinarians

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see his doctor. The doctor asked him all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when he interrupted him: “Hey look, I’m a vet, I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?" The doctor nodded, looked him up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to him. He then said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down."

Cow Problems

The only cow in a small town in northern New York State stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Canada, just across the border, for $200.00. They bought the cow from Canada and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side." The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Canada?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Canada?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Canada."

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