Your 5 Jokes for April 29, 2014: Undertaker Jokes

Greeting

I was in my cardiologist's waiting room when a well-dressed man approached the counter and said he was from a local funeral home.

He had stopped by to pick up a death certificate. The receptionist found the document and handed it to the man.

He turned to leave, facing a waiting room filled with heart patients. Before walking out the door, he waved cheerfully and then called out, "See ya!"


How They Call Them

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers. "It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a Movie Producer and he calls them 'reruns'."
"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a Quality Control Engineer and he calls them 'rejects'!"
"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them 'remains'!"


Ordering A Coffin

A monster and a zombie went into the undertaker's. "I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died," said the monster. "Certainly, sir," said the undertaker, "but there was really no need to bring him with you."


Wife

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife.""But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker."I got married again," the man sobbed."Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."


You Can Be The Man Of Your House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."