The Intoxicated Tramp
Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"Yesh," the man slowly replied.
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" the father asked.
"Yesh," the man slowly sputtered.
When they got up on the second floor he asked, "Is this your floor?"
"Yesh," again the man replied.
Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.
But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man, "Do you live here?"
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
So he did and put him in the same door with the first tramp. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.
So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, "For God's sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. He'sh been doing nothing all night long but takin' me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
Invited for a Dinner
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking tramp who asked him for a couple of pounds for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two quid and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whisky?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the tramp said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you MAD? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two quid. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The tramp was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"
The Tramp and the Baseball
The ball had been knocked out of the stadium into the lane and everybody was out looking for it.
One of the players came across an old tramp, lying in the shade.
'Excuse me' said the Baseballer,' but have you seen a baseball?'
'No, I haven't,' replied the tramp. 'But I've brought one from home I could sell you!'
The Tramp and the Pope
A Catholic bishop went to Rome and was determined to meet the Pope.
He went to St Peter's square and stood at the front of the crowd. He was fortunate enough to see the Pope leaving the Basilica so he tried to attract his attention. The Pope however, stopped just short of him and spoke quietly to a dishevelled and disgusting old tramp before moving on, ignoring the bishop.
Now the bishop thought that the Pope must be a good and caring man who would go out of his way for the poor and down trodden. So the bishop asked the tramp to sell him his rags which he wore the next day in St Peter's square. The bishop was fortunate enough to see the Pope again and this time the Pope put his arm round the bishop's shoulder and said
"Didn't I tell you to buzz off yesterday!"
Tramps and Toothpicks
A tramp walks into a pub and asks for a toothpick. The barman sees no harm in this and so gives him a toothpick. The tramp then leaves the pub.
A couple of minutes later another tramp enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The barman obliges and the tramp goes on his way.
The same thing happens three more times in the next 10 minutes. The barman is perplexed. Another tramp walks in, this time asking for a straw.
The confused barmans curiosity gets the better of him so he asks "For the last quarter of an hour, tramps have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?"
The tramp replies "Well, someone's been sick outside and all the best bits have gone."