Bending The Rules
It was Schneider's birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door.
He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?" Schneider asked the messenger boy.
"No, sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore."
"I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules and make an old man happy?"
"Please," begged Schneider. "Today's my birthday."
"Oh, all right," said the boy, "Happy birthday to you. .. happy birthday to you. .. happy birthday dear Schneider. .. your sister is dead."
Stan and Fred, partners in the garment industry had just suffered through their worst season ever. Ten thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer.
Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."
Stan said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the ten thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.
"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Stan and Fred were closing up shop when, at ten minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: ..."Telegram!"
The partners froze. Trembling, Fred grabbed the telegram and opened it. Suddenly, his face lit up. "Stan, GREAT NEWS! Your sister died!"
A wife with near maturing pregnan! cy goes to railway station to return to her husband.
At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket.
Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:
"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."
Long Live …
During the Soviet era, Pushkin was sent abroad on official business. He arrived in Poland and telegraphed his factory in Moscow: LONG LIVE FREE WARSAW! PUSHKIN
He arrived in Czechoslovakia and telegraphed: LONG LIVE FREE PRAGUE! PUSHKIN
He arrived in Paris and telegraphed: LONG LIVE PARIS! FREE PUSHKIN
The Dog’s Telegram
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price."
The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all!"