A $500 Suit
Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit. "What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!" "That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."
At The Outfitters
A man walks into a mens outfitters and grumpily asks to see the cheapest suit in the shop.
The horrified snooty sales assistant immediately fetched a full length mirror and placed it in front of him.
A young man came home from the office and found his blonde bride sobbing uncontrollably.
"I feel awful," she cried. "While I was pressing your suit, I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Don't worry about it," consoled the husband. "Remember that I have an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, and it's a darn good thing you do, too," she replied, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
It Fits Perfectly
Joe goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little . . . no, a little more. . . . that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" Joe cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend your knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, Joe lurches out onto the street. Janine and Suzy see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Janine, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Suzy, "but what a beautiful suit!"
To Have The Suit Cleaned
Santa and Banta are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, Banta throws up all over himself.
"Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says.
Santa replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a 100 rupee note in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you Rs 100 to pay for the cleaning, OK?"
"All right, I'll try it."
So Banta goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!"
"No, no, " Banta slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this 100 rupee note to get my suit cleaned."
With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.
Mrs. Banta looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one 100 rupee note. How come there are two here?"
Banta slurs back, "He sh*t in my pants, too."