Your 5 Jokes for March 17, 2014: Spinster Jokes

Instructions

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead".


More Clothes

Aunt Mary, a spinster of 82, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.

A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.

"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the beige skirt..." and she went on and on.

Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated: "There are MEN in this place!"


Next Son-In-Law

One day, as Leah is passing her daughter Miriam's apartment, she decides to drop in for a chat. Miriam is not only her eldest, but also the only one not yet married. Whilst they are having coffee, the doorbell rings. Miriam gets up and leaves the kitchen to answer the door.
Leah soon hears a man's voice, but he's talking too quietly for her to understand what he's saying. She does however hear Miriam's reply.

"Thanks for asking. I'm very flattered because I have to admit that I very easily fall madly in love with men just like you. But somehow I always seem to frighten them away, and I don't understand why. All I want to do is move in with them, marry them and be the one to bear their sons and their daughters. Believe me, my whole being focuses on men like you."
Leah quickly gets up from her chair and walks over to the kitchen door to hear more clearly what is being said - especially as this man might be her next son-in-law. But she needn't have bothered because she hears the man's unemotional reply to Miriam. "Lady," she hears him say, "I can't stand here chatting. I've heard enough already. Just pay me for the pizza you ordered. I've got other deliveries to make."


Why?

Issy arrives home from work one evening and noticing that his daughter Sharon is nowhere to be seen says to his wife Rebecca, "So where’s Sharon?"

"She’s in her bedroom," replies Rebecca, abruptly. "We had another argument."

Issy goes upstairs to see whether he can sort things out. "What’s the matter, Sharon?" he asks.
"It’s mummy, dad," replies Sharon. "She keeps on and on at me for not being married already. All she does is complaining and moaning all the time. It’s driving me crazy. I just won’t rush into marriage until I find someone really special. Please talk to her, dad."

"I’ll do my best," replies Issy. "I’ll mention our little conversation to mummy as soon as the right moment comes along."

"Thanks dad," says Sharon.

That night, when they’re in bed, Rebecca says to Issy, "So what did our spinster daughter have to say to you earlier?"

"She said you’re always on her back about her not being married," Issy replies. "I think you should leave her alone. She’s still only 21 and she’s waiting until the right man comes along."

"Why should she have to wait for the right man?" says Rebecca. "I didn’t when I got married."


You Can Never Do Too Much

The middle-aged spinster, well known for all her charity work and support for good causes (because she was a somewhat tedious self-publicist), was complaining to the Doctor of a persistent headache.

"What's it like?" asked the Doctor.

"Like a tight band around my head," replied the spinster.

Mindful that this type of headache is most often due to an unhealthy or stressed lifestyle, the Doctor asked if she smoked a lot.

"Certainly not, Doctor. Never have smoked, never will," was the emphatic reply.

"Do you drink a lot of alcohol?"

"Doctor! I am strictly teetotal."

"Perhaps you're spending too much time going to church?"

"Impossible, Doctor. As I keep telling the Mothers Union, I go twice every

Sunday and every Festival Day because it is our clear duty to do so."

"Are you working too hard at your charity activities?"

"Well," simpered the spinster, "I always believe that you can never do too much for your fellow man, even to the detriment of your own health."

"Just as I thought," said the Doctor, "It is clear that the headaches are due to your halo being too tight."