Divert Your Course
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet.
Canadians: And this is a lighthouse!
The Banker Fell Overboard
The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?"
The Captain’s Dog
It was a dark, stormy, night. The sailor was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A Captain stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young seaman snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out ," Good Evening, Sir!"
The Captain, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Seaman, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Sailor wasn't going to disagree with the Captain, so the he saluted again and replied "Yes Sir!".
The Captain continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Seaman didn't agree, but then the seaman was just a seaman, and responded " Yes Sir!"
Then the Captain, pointing at the dog said, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Seaman glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said " Yes Sir!". The Captain continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Seaman simply said, "Good trade Sir!"
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her backside was an oyster and it had a pearl worth $50,000 ... please advise". The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap".
There was a underwater diver in the Great Barrier Reef... He was ten feet under water and observing the great beauty of the ocean.. He was looking around when he saw another diver.. but with no equipment on and no air tank... He thought nothing of it and went down another 20 feet.. He looked around and he saw the same guy with no air tank going down right next to him... So he went down another 20 feet, this time and looked around for ocean life ... Just as he began looking around ... He saw the same guy ... He had to ask out of curiousity how this guy was making it without any equipment ... So he pulled out his waterproof writing board and asked the other guy ... The guy struggled but wrote back... I'm drowning you moron!!!