The Irish Man And His Dog
There was a very rich old Irish man who had a little dog. It meant the world to him. When the dog died he went to the priest. "Father Murphy, my little dog is dead. I'd sure appreciate it if ye'd say a public mass fer 'im."
"Sorry, Patrick," said the priest, "we don't say mass fer dogs 'n the like. But you go on down there to the Protestant church. With their progressive thinking, who knows what they'll do!"
Well, Father, I wouldn't want to offend them. Do ya think a donation of a-hundred-thousand pounds would be fitting fer such a service?" Patrick asked.
"Now, Patrick, why didn't ye tell me that there little dog was Catholic in the first place?!"
A New Russian comes into a car dealership and asks for a silver Mercedes 600SEL. The confused seller asks him:
- Excuse me, sir, but didn't you buy exactly same car three days ago?
- I sure did, - reports the New Russian, - But in that one the ashtray is filled up already!!!
The Old Church
A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town.
At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he this time he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
The Old Man And The Girlfriend
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful looks and charm.
She hangs onto Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!"
They’re amazed, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
“I lied about my age", Bob replies.
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90."
What If …?
Brezhnev's mother came to visit her son. 'This is my house,' said Brezhnev, showing her around.
'And this is my car. And that's my swimming pool.
And this' — he shows her some photographs — 'is my second house.
And this is my aeroplane.
And this is my villa on the Black Sea. And this is my yacht.'
His mother gasps in wonder.
'You do live well, Lyonechka,' she says. 'But I am nervous for you. What if the Bolsheviks come back?'