Your 5 Jokes for March 13, 2014: Remote Jokes

A New Remote Control

Sony, the global electronics giant, has some good news for couch potatoes. It has developed a new' remote control for your remote control', that enables the truly lazy to surf channels while moving even less muscles than before. "Our new device totally eliminates the need to stretch your arm that little bit more from your couch, to get the remote directly in front of the TV. Now the only muscle you need to move is your finger.", said a company spokesman. He also added that this was just one more step in Sony's global initiative to keep inventing technologies that turn people into furniture, and their brains into Jell-O. "We wanted to refine the product even more by making it thought-controlled, thereby completely removing the need for any sort of muscle movement at all, but this wouldn't work because most TV addicts are completely incapable of any kind of thought at all", lamented a little Japanese scientist.


Can’t Find The Remote

A man was lying on the couch watching TV.

He watched his favorite show.

It ended.

A soap opera started.

He checked himself to see if the remote was within reach. It wasn't.

"Honey!" called the man to his wife.

She entered the room.

"I can't find the remote," said the man.

The wife walked over to a spot out in the open in the middle of the floor and in front of the man, while his eyes were still fixed on the TV. She picked up the remote.


Can’t Open The Door

A businessman approached the elevator in his office building and found a young lady sitting on the floor next to the elevator doors, crying. When he inquired what was wrong, she replied "my remote won't open the doors, I can't get out!". He looked down to see her holding her car's remote door opener in her hand!


Changing Channels

Dad, Rahul and Preeti loved watching television. The three of them always fought as to who will watch what. Their mother wouldn't interfere with their fights. Each one would snatch the remote and keep changing Channels. Rahul wanted to watch the cricket match, Preeti wanted to watch the cookery show and Dad the Political news.

This is what their mother heard one day:

In the parliament today...Nehra bowled his first over...and is washed away in boiling water....The finance minister...went straight into the hands of Tendulkar...and is sliced into pieces.... Mr. Krishna visited...Anil Kumble who is now going to...break the egg And...the leader of the opposition party...is hit on the face...which will now turn red in two minutes...during the zero hour...both the umpires...are fried golden brown.

We now end the news bulletin...by calling Dravid...to peel the Onion.


Massage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her thigh and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'