5 Psychiatry Jokes

Psychiatric Hotline

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
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If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.


An Invisible Guy

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his office and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."


My 13-Year-Old Son

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"OK, he's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"


The Light Bulb

A psychiatrist was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found a patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. A second patient was hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked the first patient what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of the first patient what the other patient was doing. The first patient replied, "Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices the second patient's face is going all red.

The doctor asks the first patient, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself." The first patient replies, "What, and work in the dark?"


Confessions

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."


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