5 Poison Jokes

My Wife Is Poisoning Me

A man goes to see the priest. "Priest, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Priest asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Priest, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Priest then offers, "Tell you what.

Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Priest calls the man and says,

"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Priest replied, "Take the poison."


A man gets married and shortly afterwards his wife dies. A friend tries to console him and asks, "What happened to your wife?"

"She died of poison from eating mushrooms," said the husband.

This man gets married a second time, and not long after the marriage, this second wife dies. The same friend tries to console the grieving husband and asks, "What happened to your second wife?"

"She died of poison from eating mushrooms," was also the reply from the husband. This man takes a third wife and, not very long after the marriage, the third wife dies. The consoling friend asks, "What happened to your third wife? Was it mushroom poisoning?"

The grieving husband responds, "No, she died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck!" replies the friend.

"Yes," says the husband, "she wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Swallowing Pesticide

A farmer was taken to the hospital with severe stomach pains. The doctor then discovered that he had ingested pesticide. The Doctor however noticed that it was in too small an amount to be suicidal. So he asked the Farmer why he did so. The farmer had a good reason. He had accidentally swallowed a fly. “I wanted to kill it before it reproduced in me."

Try To Find It

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Becky’s Party

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

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