5 Patient Jokes

Two Patients

Two patients limp into two different hospitals with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

Can’t Talk

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

Good and Bad News

A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.

The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."

The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you."

Lady Killer

A young woman gazed up from her hospital bed at the very handsome doctor who was examining her chart. She fluttered her eyelids and said, “They tell me that your are a real lady killer." The doctor smiled and shook his head. “No, I make no distinction between the sexes."


A depressed patient went to see his primary care doctor as a routine check-up. The patient always looked stressed and depressed. After the examination and review all the patient's medicine (total of 8 different medications and some of them instruct to take two and three times a day) the doctor said " you must drink a lot of fluids when taking each of these medications “The patient was quiet and spoke softly to himself " then I don't think I have to eat anything else".

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