Your 5 Jokes for April 28, 2014: Obituary Jokes

Bleeding

Ever since the local newspaper printed his obituary in error, Howard just can’t get it out of his mind that he really is dead. His delusion becomes such a problem that his sons finally pay for a psychiatrist to visit him to sort him out.

The psychiatrist spends many laborious sessions trying to convince Howard that he is, indeed, still alive, but nothing seems to work.

Finally the psychiatrist tries one last time. He takes some medical books with him to help him prove to Howard that dead men can’t bleed. After an hour of argument and book reading, it seems that he has finally succeeded.

"So, Howard," says the psychiatrist, "do you now agree with the medical establishment that dead men don't bleed?"

"Yes," replies Howard.

"Very well then," says the psychiatrist as he pricks Howard's finger with a pin causing it to bleed a little, "look at this. What does that blood tell you, Howard?"

"Oh! " says Howard, as he stares incredulously at his finger, "it means that dead men really do bleed."


Expensive Obituary

A man went to put his wife's obituary in the papers and was charged $20 for four words
so he wrote 'Eliza Rest in Peace'

The editor feeling pity for him decided to give additional four words free, so he wrote
"Eliza rest in Peace, Shop open as usual"


His Own Obituary

Howard and Bernie, both in their 90s, live in a retirement home in Edgware. One Friday, Howard gets up very early, extracts the The Times newspaper from under his door, and goes down to the lounge to read it. He opens the paper, turns to the obituaries page and gets the shock of his life. There, on page 43, is his own obituary! Even though he quickly realises that it’s an error, it both excites him and upsets him. He has to tell someone, so he goes to reception and uses the internal phone to call Bernie’s room.

After the phone has been ringing for nearly a minute, Bernie finally picks it up and says, sleepily, "Which stupid idiot is ringing me so early, already?"

"Bernie, are you up yet?" shouts Howard, excitedly.

"Well I am now, aren’t I?" replies Bernie.

"Bernie," shouts Howard, "go pick up your The Times and turn to page 43."

"Why, what’s so important in the paper that I should do this?" asks Bernie.

"Bernie, don’t argue with me. Go get the paper and turn to page 43 and do it now," shouts Howard.

"OK, I've got the paper already," says Bernie, "so what am I looking for?"

"Bernie, turn to page 43 and look at the bottom of column 4," shouts Howard.

"Alright, already," says Bernie, "I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling at me."

"OK," says Howard, "but read it now."

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then, following a long silence, Bernie gets back on the phone and quietly asks, "Howard, so where are you calling me from right now?"


If You Have An Accident

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."


Mistake

One day, a boy and his father were listening to a radio broadcast, eventually the boy looked at his father and said, "Daddy, these people are making a very big mistake". Then his father asked him what was the matter. The boy replied saying "When Mr. Obi died, they announced ‘Obituary’, and now Mr. Oscar died and they still announced "Obituary" again instead of "Oscartuary".