Coming Home Late
What are you nagging me about?" complained the husband. "I was in last night by a quarter of twelve."
"You were not, you liar!" cried the irate wife. "I heard you come in and the clock was striking three."
"Well, stupid," said hubby, "isn't three a quarter of twelve?"
Having A Go
Daniel arrives home from work at 5pm and as soon as he steps through his front door, his wife Judith starts having a go at him. “Why don’t you ever wipe your feet before walking into the house? ….. I thought you said you were coming home at lunch time today …… Where’s the shopping I asked you to get on the way home? ….. You left the toilet seat up again this morning. …. Don’t you ever think of buying me flowers, like you used to do? …."
This incessant criticism, nagging and complaining goes on for nearly 2 hours - nothing Daniel says or does seems to be right by her. By 7pm, Daniel has had enough. But he knows better than to have a go at Judith so he tries a more tactical approach.
"Darling," he says, "Please - let’s start again. I’ll go back outside and shut the door. Then I’ll open the door and come in. We can then pretend I’ve just come home. What do you think?"
"OK," she replies.
So Daniel puts on his coat, goes outside, shuts the door, waits a minute, opens the door, and steps in with a smile on his face. He immediately announces, in a musical tone, "Oh darling, I’m home."
"And just where have you been?" says Judith, "It's past seven o'clock!"
If You Don’t See Me
A man left work one Friday afternoon but, being payday, rather than going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
Finally appearing at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Eventually, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
"That would be perfectly fine with me," he replied.
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
By Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough to where he could see her out of the corner of his right eye.
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to nagging at her poor husband.
When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at his priest and calmly said, "Sounds like SHE has been told where to go."
A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart and listening to the wife's ceaseless chatter, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.
The man asked: "How often do I take these?"
"Let's start with once every six hours. But they're not for you," replied the doctor: "They're for your wife."