Your 5 Jokes a day for March 08, 2013: Mistress Jokes

Coincidence

Mark and Bernie are walking down Regents Street when Mark suddenly says to Bernie,

"Don't look! Don't look! Here comes my wife and my mistress."

Bernie sneaks a peak and says, "What a coincidence, I was going to say the same thing!"


Materialistic

A husband and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and demands, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it. I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club.
But the decision is yours."

Just as the wife is about to say something, she notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.


The Avalanche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that truck???!!!"

He calmly told them, “I bought it today."

“With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

“Well," said the boy, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

“It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don’t know her name; They just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."

“Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on." So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well," she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."


The Billboard

A huge advertising billboard was, once, hung on the top of the building where Steven worked. It had no pictures on it and it was just which with the following text written in black:

Hi Steven,

Do I have you attention now?

I know all about her, your mistress. You dirty, sneaky, immoral, unfaithful, poorly-endowed slimeball.
Everything's caught on tape.

Your (soon-to-be-ex) Wife
Emily

P.S. I paid for this billboard from OUR joint bank account.


The Picture

A wealthy man sat in his attorneys office."Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"the lawyer asked."Give me the bad news first.""Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.""Thats the bad news?" the man asked incredulously."I cant wait to hear the terrible news.""Its of you and your mistress."