The Meat Shortage
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?" The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?" The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?" The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?" The New Yorker replied, "Excuse me, but what is 'excuse me?'"
At The Steakhouse
Three Texas cowboys went to a steakhouse to eat. Each was trying to impress the others.
The first man ordered his steak "rare -- red rare."
The second said, "Just pass mine through the flames and singe it a little. I want to see blood dripping out of it."
Not to be outdone, the third man said, "Aw, just turn the bull loose and I'll tear off a hunk as he goes by."
A dog walks into a butcher shop, spends a number of minutes looking at the meat on display, and eventually indicates with a nod of his head and a bark that he would like some lamb chops.
The butcher, thinking the dog would know no better, picks up the lowest quality chops in the shop.
The dog barks furiously and continues to bark until the butcher selects the finest chops from the display counter.
The butcher weighs the meat and asks the dog for $5.90. Again, the dog barks furiously until the butcher reduces the bill to the correct price of $3.60.
The dog hands over a five dollar note and the butcher gives him 40 cents in change. Once again, the dog barks continuously until the butcher tenders the correct change. The dog then picks up his package and leaves the shop.
Now, the butcher is extremely impressed and decides that he would like to own a dog so clever. He shuts up shop and follows the dog to see where it goes.
After ten minutes or so, the dog climbs the steps to a house. When it gets to the top, it shakes its head as though in frustration, gently places the package of meat on the floor and, standing on its hind legs, rings the doorbell.
A man opens the door and starts to yell obscenities at the dog. As he does so, the horrified butcher leaps up the steps and begs the man to stop. "It's such an intelligent dog," he says, "surely it doesn't deserve this kind of treatment."
He then went on to explain how the dog had procured the best lamb chops in the shop, insisted on paying the advertised price and quibbled over incorrect change!
The man looked at the butcher and said, "Intelligent he may be, but this is the third time this week he's forgotten his keys".
The Dead Horse
Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street
in a quiet town. They spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. The firstman begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that hewill wait. After the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down the road. Eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws it up. The second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as hesits down: "Now THIS is what I've been waiting for! A hot meal!"
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.. and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.