A man had a nagging secret which he didn't feel he could keep any longer, so he went to confession.
He admitted to the priest that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he was employed.
"What did you take?" asked the priest.
"Sufficient to build my house and a house for my son," the man replied. "Plus, houses for our two daughters and our cottage out at the lake."
"This is quite serious," said the priest. "I must think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat ?"
"No, I never have, Father," the man said, "but if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber!"
The Lumberjack and the Banker
A lumberjack goes to the bank to open an account.
Bank manager: I'm sorry, sir, you can't open an account with this sort of money. They're wooden pieces!
Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account.
The Blonde Lumberjack
"Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her.
The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat.
"Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman.
"6" she replied.
"What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!"
So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.
"How many this time?" asked the foreman.
"12" she said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!"
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly." He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong. And she replies, "What the hell is that noise?"
The Sahara Forest
A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack, the first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.
"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.
"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."
Two minutes later he was back at the manager's office, "Tree's cut. Do I get the job?"
"I don't believe it, that is so much faster than even my best lumberjack could have done it. Where did you learn to use an axe like that?" the manager inquired.
"Sahara Forest," the little guy replied.
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert," the manager corrected him.
"Sure, that's what they call it now."
So Sven and Ole were out working in the forest one day. They had just gotten jobs as lumberjacks. Well one say they were working along cutting down all the trees that had the big red X on them.
As instructed by the foreman they were to yell 'TIMBER!' whenever the tree was about to fall. Ole was cutting down a tree and yelled 'Timber' and all of a sudden he saw a skidder pulling a tree out of the woods drive right under where the tree was about to fall. There was nothing he could do about it.
The tree fell on the cab killing poor 'ol DooDah. That was his name for his parents gave it to him. He was a young man recentley married. Well Sven and Ole didn't know what to do, so they called the priest and he said to go talk and comfort DooDah's now widow. Well they walked out of the forest into town and arrived at the widows house. They were dumbfounded and didn't know what to think or say. So quickly as the fact the tree fell...
Sven rang the doorbell. A few minutes later the widow DooDah appeared at the door. Sven says that Ole has something to say. He's at a loss of words and all that comes out of his mouth is 'GUESS WHO DIED IN THE WOODS TODAY ...!'