A conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to the proper pronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often startled upon arrival at his station to hear the conductor yell:
"You're a liar! You're a liar!"
And then from the brakeman at the other end of the car:
"You really are! You really are!"
Alive Or Dead
Bubba and Jo were working on a roof, when Bubba slipped and fell to the ground. Jo leaned over and called out:' You dead or alive, Bubba?'
'Alive,' moaned Bubba.
'You're a liar. I don't know whether to believe you or not,' said Jo.
'Then I must be dead,' said Bubba,' because you wouldn't dare call me a liar if I were alive.'
The Guide’s Tales
An Idaho guide whose services were retained by some wealthy young easterners desirous of hunting in the Northwest evidently took them to be the greenest of tenderfoots, since he undertook to chaff them with a recital something as follows:
"It was my first grizzly, so I was mighty proud to kill him in a hand-to-hand struggle. We started to fight about sunrise. When he finally gave up the ghost, the sun was going down."
At this point the guide paused to note the effect of his story. Not a word was said by the easterners, so the guide added very slowly, "for the second time."
"I gather, then," said one young gentleman, a dapper little Bostonian, "that it required a period of two days to enable you to dispose of that grizzly."
"Two days and a night," said the guide, with a grin. "That grizzly died mighty hard."
"Choked to death?" asked the Bostonian.
"Yes, sir," said the guide.
"Pardon me," continued the Hubbite, "but what did you try to get him to swallow?"
The Old Lady And The Policeman
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
Don't Mess With Old Ladies.
One day Air Force One crashed on a farm. Quickly the FBI came to investigate. They knew there were no survivors. They looked frantically through the wreckage to try and find the president's body but it was nowhere to be found. There were only a few security guards. Maybe the president hadn't died. Maybe he had gotten out and went to get some help. In the next field over, there was a farmer plowing his field like nothing had even happened. They quickly ran over to him.
FBI agent: "Excuse me Sir, did you see that plane crash over there?"
Farmer: Yessiree, I certainly did.
FBI agent: Did you see anyone get up and walk away?
Farmer: Nope, I buried them all this morning. Didn't wantem stinkin' up the place.
FBI agent: Did you realize the President was on that plane?
Farmer: Yep, buried him too.
FBI agent: You buried the president?
Farmer: Well he kept saying he was still alive but you know what a liar he is!