Years ago, I was taking an algebra class over the summer, and had a teacher who liked to reminisce about his past with funny stories.
He relates that he had been a math teacher in the Air Force, where it was his duty to force sleepy young recruits to stay awake for an hour of math at 8:00 in the morning in a large, warm, dimly-lit auditorium. One day, he came into the auditorium and saw his class even sleepier and less attentive than usual. He realized that something drastic would have to be done.
Now this classroom was very old, and the blackboards, which had been nailed on to the walls with old black iron nails, had become loose over the years. As a result, these black nails jutted almost invisibly from the blackboard and this teacher kept banging his hands on them while erasing the board. He decided to put them to good use.
With enough of a flourish to guarantee the class's attention, he went to the front of the room, near one edge of the board. Then, clearing his throat, he drew a coathook right near one of the protruding nails. He proceeded to hang his coat and hat on the hook that he had drawn in chalk (really on the nail, of course). Then he went on to give that day's lecture. He told us that the entire class had their eyes to the front of the room throughout the lecture. He didn't know if they'd heard a single word he'd said, but at least they looked attentive.
At the end of the class, the lecturer would usually leave by a small door near the blackboards, while the class would leave through the large doors at the back of the hall. When class was over, he took his coat and hat, erased the coathook, and left through the small door-and was followed by the entire class, lining up to go past the blackboard to see how he'd done it.
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnaped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies and your countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed
the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my contry and protest this barbaric act by
singing "God Save The Queen" to all your men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing
"The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the
lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is YOUR last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"
A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised tardiness. Every student caught arriving to class late (especially those interrupting his lecture) was quickly reprimanded in front of the whole class. Students were quick to comment on the professor's genetics.
Well, one day a student entered through the front doors of the lecture hall, while the professor was writing notes on the chalkboard. The professor caught the student out of the corner of his eye (this acute sense of peripheral vision, further supported the rumors of his evolution), and turned to face the student. He demanded, "What do you think you're doing?"
Being a science student, one naturally thinks quickly, so the student snapped up and replied, "I came down from the back to get a better look at the board."
The professor smiled.
Two husbands leaning on a bar in the café.
"Did you give your wife a lecture on economy like I told you?"
"Yes, I certainly did."
"And what was the result?"
"I've got to give up smoking!"
Way To Heaven
In his autobiography, Treasure in Clay, Bishop Fulton Sheen tells of getting lost in Philadelphia on his way to a lecture at the Town Hall, "I stopped to ask a few boys for directions. They told me where the Town Hall was and then asked, "What are you going to do there?'
'I'm giving a lecture on heaven and how to get there. Would you like to come and find out?'
'You're kidding, one boy said.' You don't even know the way to the Town Hall."