5 Landing Jokes

Crash Landing

As he reviewed pilot crash reports, an Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree. Then I lost control."


Emergency Landing

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After a while, as it got boring, the first guy looks at the second and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they also get bored with this, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land and notices an airstrip near by. He says, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for the landing, but at the last minute, he swerves and pulls back up. "Cr*p!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "Alright, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it, we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing and miraculously, neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be a total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"


Preparing for an Emergency Landing

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain," came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.".


Smooth Landing

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been hoodwinked.

Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"

"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."

"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"

"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"

"But once you're aloft?"

"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."

"But I still don't see how you land!"

"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"


Rough Airplane Landing

After a quiet trip, the 747 airplane came in for a landing. Despite having flown the entire with without a hitch or even turbulence, the landing was far from smooth, from the moment that the airplane’s wheel first touched the tarmac. After a rough landing in the airplane, the stewardess spoke over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your patience during our landing. I would like to point out that it was not the pilot’s fault, nor the co-pilot’s fault. It was, however, the asphalt."


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