Your 5 Jokes for November 18, 2012: King Jokes

Enemies

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

“How are we faring?" asks the king.

“Sire," replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

“What?!" shrieks the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!"

“Oh, no…" says the knight. “Well, you do now."


Pun

An old punster made the king the butt of most of his jokes. Consequently, he was loved by the people, but hated by the king.

The king endured the ridicule for months. One day, after hearing people in the streets repeating some of their favorite quips, he had had enough. He had the following statement posted around the royal city:

"By royal decree, anyone who tells a pun will be hanged by the neck until he is dead."

The old punster kept telling his jokes, including puns. He was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be hanged at dawn in a week's time.

The king's conscience was pricked. He didn't want to execute a citizen for merely telling jokes. So the king sent a message to the hangman on the morning of the execution, telling him that the old man was to be given a pardon if he promised never to tell another pun.

The old man couldn't imagine living in a world where he could not tell a pun. So he replied, "No noose is good news," and died gladly.


The Cannibal King

The cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in. "Your Majesty," he said, "the slaves are revolting!""You don't have to tell me," said the king. "I'm trying to eat them. "Where did we get these slaves anyway?""From the country next door," replied the servant. "We must get a new butcher," said the king. "Bring me Delia Smith." "We can't, Your Majesty, she's still cooking for you." "Well, bring her to me once she's crispy enough," said the king.


The King’s Prisoners

A king is sentencing his prisoners. The first person enters and says that he stole a horse. "Hang him," the king yells. The second person comes in and says he stole old ladies' purses. "You heartless fiend! Shoot him" the king growls. The third person comes in and says that he pirated software on the internet and stole billions of dollars from internet companies. "Well what the heck are you guys doing just standing there?", he tells his men, "Hire him already!"


The Throne

And so it came to pass, that the king of the tribe (pick your location) died, while his son was still a young child. The tribe gathered around the king's grass hut, and mourned. And the minister took charge, while the boy grew.

But a minister cannot sit upon the throne, so it was stored in the royal grass hut. To keep anyone else from sitting upon it, a rope was attached and the huge, ornately-carved chair was hoisted up inside the ceiling of the domed hut, until the boy came of age to be crowned.

One day, as the boy was playing quietly in the hut, the rope broke, and the heavy throne plummeted to the floor, crushing the poor prince to death.

To this day, we remember that PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GRASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T STOW THRONES.