Your 5 Jokes of the Day, November 12, 2012: Jewel Jokes

At The Mall

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had “disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: “Where the hell are you?"

Husband: “Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time and said, ‘Baby, it’ll be yours one day’?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: “Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband, “Well, I’m in the café next to that shop."

Real Pearls

Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

“My dear," said the first woman, “Are those real pearls?"

“They are," replied the second woman.

“Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them." smiled the first.

The second responded, “Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

The Diamond Bracelet

Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.

“Excuse me," she said to the sales lady behind the counter, “Will a small deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"

The Hospital Bracelet

A lady was admitted to a private hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for her wrist, saying, "I’m going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" She asked coyly.

"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."

The Portrait

The wealthy wife of a very successful businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted, "You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"

The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry.

She replied, "When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels."