5 Italian Jokes

The Italian Immigrant

An Italian man immigrates to the United States of America and moves in with some distant relatives in New Jersey. They tell him he should apply for citizenship and they will help him study for the test. They go over all the U.S. history from the Revolutionary war to present day.

Finally, he feels he has enough knowledge to pass the test so he sets an appointment.

He walks into the testing room and the agent giving the test thought he would have a bit of fun, so he said to the man "We have a very simple test for you today. If you can use three English words in one sentence, you will be granted citizenship! The words are green, pink and yellow."

The Italian man thought for several minutes and finally said "O.K., I think I can do that"

Than he said "I hearda the telephone go green, green, green, so I pink it uppa and I say yellow - who is this."


The 50th Wedding Anniversary

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary !'

The priest responded,'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here ! Please tell us now what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary ?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up "


Are You Italian

You Know You're Italian When...

1- You have more aunts than you can count out on your two hands.

2- You are currently in therapy over bad dreams about leather belts and wooden spoons.

3- Redecorating your living room means changing the plastic sofa covers.

4- You attend more than 9 weddings a year.

5- Your parents refer to KFC as "galina del vecchio"!

6- Your parents earn very little money (construction & cleaners) but you still find yourself travelling back and forth to Italy several times a year.

7- Your friends come over for dinner and they leave 10 pounds heavier.

8- You ask for one piece of chicken that your mother's serving and she forks 4 big slabs on your plate instead.

9- You're a yapper, but become instantly mute when you're hands are tied down.


Are You Italian Again?

You Know You're Italian When...

1- Your backyard consists of 1/8 grass and 7/8 tomatoes and radicchio.

2- You have more pictures of Jesus' Mother Mary on your walls than family members.

3- Baptisms and engagement parties are twice or three times as big as American weddings.

4- You shave your face, and you're a GIRL!

5- You wear heels just to go to Shopper's Drug Mart.

6- You don't know any other southern vacation destination other than Acapulco.

7- Everyone over the age of 55 in your family is short, fat, and wears nothing but black.

8- The words "cinta" and "scopa" cause you to pee your pants in fear.

9- You have 4 Antonietta's, 5 Giuseppe's, and 8 Antonio's in your family.

10- Absolutely every one of your ancestors is referred to by nicknames: fat Pauly, short Sally,...

11- You're willing to miss the birth of your child during a World Cup soccer game.

12- You're 16 and you're seen with a guy by anyone in your family, they ask if you're going to get married anytime soon.

13- You've ever had crevices and indentations in your feet as a child, from your mother forcing you to wear stiff crocheted socks with tight pointy shoes.

14- You don't even know the names of any of your EIGHTEEN bridesmaids.

15- You're 35 years old, still live at home, still have your mom cook and clean for you, and you STILL have the guts to complain about having to eat "pasta fazool" for dinner again.


Assertive Italian Wife

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:

"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up:

"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Italy stood up:

"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

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