An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.
As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
For Some Strange Reason
A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: ' money, women, power -- everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
A drunkard walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?" "Make it a whiskey," says the man, who promptly throws it down in one gulp. "That'll be three dollars," says the bartender. "Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying." "Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap." Two years later, the same man walks into the same bar with the same bartender. The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the jerk who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?" "Excuse me, but I have no idea what you're talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!" "Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double." "Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whiskey."
That’s Suitable For Me Too
A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat.
"A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"
The cat replies, "Um, I’m a gnome."
Billy Joe walks up to Billy Bob in the street, taps him on the shoulder and when Billy Bob turns, he sends him sprawling to the ground with a solid punch to the nose. He then says, "take that, Billy John, you lousy dog!!!" The bleeding Billy Bob shouts back, "I'm Billy Bob, you jerk! I am NOT Billy John."
Realizing his error, Billy Joe apologizes profusely and begs forgiveness for the error of mistaken identity. However, Billy Bob remains furious and he screams forth a steady blue stream of epithets.
Finally, Billy Joe says, "c’mon Billy Bob , calm down. Why are you so upset? Why do you care so much about how I treat Billy John?"