5 Handyman Jokes

Redneck Handyman

A redneck decides that he has the perfect plan to get rich. He's going to drive up to the rich side of town, and become a handyman. He hops into his truck and drives over to the affluent section of town, finds an expensive looking house and knocks on the door.

An old man answers the door, and asks "Can I help you?"

Redneck says: “I'm a handyman, do you have anything that needs fixing?"

Old man replies: “The porch could use some paint, how much would you charge me to paint it?" Redneck thinks for a minute and says: “$50.00 is the least that I could do it for". Old man says: “that's a fair price, the paint is in the garage. When you finish, come around to the back of the house and get your money. My wife and I will be sitting by the pool".

The redneck shows up about 30 minutes later, stating that he has finished painting.

The old man says; that was a quick job. Redneck says: “I had some paint left over and decided to give it two coats." The old man reaches into his wallet and gives the redneck $50.00. As the redneck takes the money, he tells the old man "Just so you will know … That's not a porch!."

The old man looks at him kind of funny, and the redneck says: “I looked at it real close, it’s a Ferrari".

Country Cottage

We were staying at a country resort and became friendly with the handyman. "My neighbor has a nice little cottage for sale, case you're interested," he told us.

Despite its run-down appearance, we fell in love with the place and bought it "as is."

The day we moved in, our new friend dropped by. "You got a good buy, " he admitted. "Cottage needs some work though. Roof leaks, plumbing's shot and the well runs dry in the summer."

Dismayed, I retorted, "Why didn't you tell us that before we bought it?"

"Weren't neighbors then," he replied.

Hand Saw or Chainsaw?

Old Jake had cut firewood by hand with a swede saw for a living going on 50 years. He averaged about four cords a day. His son was home from college and watching him work remarked, "You could probably cut 10 time as much if you bought yourself a chainsaw."

"Not interested in those new fangled things," Jake responded.

His son returned to college and Jake began to think that maybe the young guy was right; his old body seemed to ache more and more at the end of the day. So he went into town and bought a brand new top-of-the-line chainsaw.

The first couple days were not very productive--he only cut one cord each day. By the third day he had cut 3 cords but was dead tired. "This is not working," he thought to himself, "My son said I should be able to cut 10 cords a day. I'm taking this stupid thing back."

The next day he was in the hardware store complaining to the sales clerk about his lack of production. "Blade seems a little dull, but not that bad. Let's start it up," the clerk muttered as he pulled the starting cord.

"What the hell is that noise?" Jake hollered.

Lumber Purchase

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk replies, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The guy scratches his head and says, "I'll go check," and goes back to the truck.

He returns and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The guy pauses for a minute and says, "I better go check." After a while, he returns to the office and says, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Proud of a Father

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.

"It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."

"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."


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