Your 5 Jokes for February 12, 2013: Fee Jokes

ATM Machines

"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine, the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno

Expensive Doctor

Issy is not well and goes to see doctor Myers. After examining him, doctor Myers says, "Well, I can help you, but it will require many sessions."

"OK," says Issy, "how much is this going to cost me?"

"The 12 sessions plus drugs will cost you £1,000," replies doctor Myers.

"Oh," says Issy, "I’m not a wealthy man, doctor. Couldn’t you make it less?"

"Well … I could do it for £850," replies doctor Myers.

"It’s still more than I can afford, doctor," says Issy, "I’ve 3 children and a wife to support."

"OK," says doctor Myers, "how about £700?"

"It’s still too high, doctor," says Issy. "My business is doing terrible and my wife has told her mother that she can live with us."

"Alright already," says doctor Myers, "I’ll do it for £600 and not a penny less."

"Thanks doctor, I can accept that," says Issy.

"Good," says doctor Myers, "but tell me – why did you come to me to seek treatment when you know I’m the most expensive doctor in this area?"

"Well," replies Issy, "you’ve got a marvellous reputation and when it comes to my health, money is no object!"

Future Airline Fees

With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they’ll levy for something previously free.

1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …

2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.

3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.

4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.

Loony Doctor

Ruth looks up the yellow pages, finds what she’s looking for and makes a phone call. "Hello," says Ruth, "am I talking to the loony doctor?"

"If you are referring to a psychiatrist, then yes, you are talking to one. I am Mr Martin Lewis, a qualified psychiatrist, psychologist, neurologist and cranial surgeon. How can I help you?"

"I’m disoriented," replies Ruth, "I have awful thoughts 24 hours a day and I’m doing things that

I can’t even remember doing. I think I’m going crazy."

"I can help you," says Mr Lewis.

"As it might take some time to cure me," continues Ruth, "I need to know how much you charge and whether you can offer me a discount."

"I charge a flat fee of £250 per visit, and I don’t offer discounts," replies Mr Lewis.
"Everyone pays me the same."

"What? £250 per visit?" shrieks Ruth, "Do you think I’m crazy?" and slams down the phone.


A stammerer was worried about the extent of his stammering and met a lawyer.

Stammerer: I a-a-m so w-wo-worr- wo-worrie--worried abou--abouut my st-stam--stammerr--ing.

Lawyer: Its ok, Calm down, Have a seat and slowly count from one to ten.

Stammerer: o--on--one, tw--twoo, thr--threee, seven, eight, nine, ten, Wow, i cant believe it, i have been cured.

Lawyer: Your fee is $3,000.

Stammerer: Wh- wha--what d-di-did u sa- sa-saay?


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