Your 5 Jokes for March 07, 2014: Envelope Jokes


Two boys, Ochuko and Akpos are making letter bombs.

Ochuko: I'm not sure whether I put enough explosive in this envelope before I sealed it.

Akpos: Well, then open it and look.

Ochuko: But if I open it, it will explode!

Akpos: Don't be stupid...It's not addressed to you!


My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.

This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."

My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"

Pushing The Envelope

When it comes to testing new aircraft or determining maximum performance, pilots like to talk about "pushing the envelope." They're talking about a two dimensional model: the bottom is zero altitude, the ground; the left is zero speed; the top is max altitude; and the right, maximum velocity, of course. So, the pilots are pushing that upper-right-hand corner of the envelope. What everybody tries not to dwell on is that that's where the postage gets cancelled, too.


Paying my bill at the doctor's office, I noticed one of the clerks licking and sealing a large stack of envelopes. Two co-workers were trying to persuade her to us a damp sponge instead. One woman explained that she could get a paper cut. Another suggested that the glue might make her sick.

Still, the clerk insisted on doing it her own way.

As I was leaving, I mentioned to the clerk that there was a tenth of a calorie in the glue of one
envelope. Then I saw her frantically rummaging around for the sponge.

With Trembling Hands

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad". With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

"Dear Dad"

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Lori and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad...

She's pregnant. Lori said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many, more children. Lori has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Lori can get better, She deserves it. Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your Son Daniel

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I Love You. Call me when it's safe to come home.


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