After Fifteen Years
Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in fifteen years, met for lunch one day, to catch up.
"I got married and my husband just bought me a 24K gold necklace," said the first woman.
"That's nice," said the second.
"And he bought me a Mercedes sports car for our anniversary."
"And he bought me a house along the beach for my birthday."
"I heard you were married and went through a messy divorce - what did your husband get for you while you were together?"
"He sent me to finishing school."
"What did you learn at finishing school?"
"To say 'that's nice' instead of 'go to hell!'"
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ....and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00". "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95"? Dad asked surprised. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
For Health Reasons
Jill: Whatever happened to that good-looking man you married?
Mary: I had to divorce him for health reasons.
Jill: Really? What do you mean?
Mary: I was sick of him.
A Lawyer At The Post Office
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 I Love You cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
He said: "I'm a divorce lawyer!"