A Lot Of Diamonds
Sam was out shopping in Brent Cross shopping centre when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewellers. Sam notices that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
"So what have you just purchased Abe?" Sam asks.
"Well, now that you’ve asked," replies Abe, "it’s my Rifka's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday she said, ‘Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'"
"So what did you get her?" Sam asks.
Abe replies, smiling, "I bought her a pack of cards."
A few days before Sharon and her husband Jeremy are due to go on a 14 day Mediterranean cruise, Jeremy says to her, "And don't forget to put your diamond necklace in our safe before we leave home."
"Oh no," says Sharon, looking dejected, "you know how much I like my necklace, Jeremy. I've been so looking forward to wearing it onboard the ship. I really want to take it with me. So why can't I?"
"Don't be ridiculous Sharon," replies Jeremy. "Supposing you drown and your body can't be recovered?"
A man asked his girlfriend to marry him by getting down on his knees and offering her one beautiful diamond earring. She accepted happily but asked why her engagement gift was only a single earring.
He replied, "I'm on a lobe budget."
Bernie buys his wife Suzie a ring for her birthday and asks the salesman to put it in a nice box. Later that day, Bernie goes over to Suzie's house, wishes her a happy birthday, kisses her, and gives her the box.
"So go on Suzie," he says excitedly, "open the box, open the box."
Suzie opens the box and is dismayed to see inside a very tiny diamond mounted on a very thin gold ring.
"Oh! What a nice present," she says to herself.
Bernie can see that she's not very excited with her present, so he says to her, "I know it looks very small, Suzie, but I promise you the diamond is a very pure one. It hasn't got any flaws in it at all."
"I can believe that," says Suzie. "There's no room inside such a diamond for any flaws!"
A woman walks into a jewelry store.
“We have a problem. You sold my husband a diamond ring last week but it’s the wrong size."
The jeweler looks up calmly.
“No problem at all, we can adjust the ring size for you at no cost."
“Oh, no, you don’t understand. You sold him a one carat size and I take a five carat size."