Your 5 Jokes for September 18, 2013: Congregation Jokes

The Easter Sermon

One Easter Sunday Pastor Jones announced to the congregation, ‘My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons……

A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes

A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes

And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.

Now, we’ll take the offering and see which one I’ll deliver.’

The Hat

A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the visiting minister. Presently, it was returned to him...embarrassingly empty. Slowly, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then, raising his eyes heavenward, he exclaimed, "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

The Joke

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training.

Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked!

He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"

The Substitute

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem."

With Gusto

The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said, “This church has really got to walk,Â" to which someone in the back yelled, “Let her walk, preacher!"

The preacher then said, “If this church is going to go, it’s got to get up and run!Â" Somone again yelled with gusto, “Let her run preacher."

Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, “If this church is going to go it’s got to really fly!" Once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, “Let her fly, preacher, let her fly!"

The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, “If this church is really going to fly, it’s going to need money!" Someone in the back yelled, with gusto, “Let her walk, preacher, let her walk!"