5 Cemetery Jokes

Job At The Cemetery

A: How do you like your new job at the cemetery?

B: I quit after a week. I found the work too frustrating.

A: What happened?

B: No matter what I said to the customers, they were always dead right!

Fred And The Bill Collector

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door,

"Is Fred home?"

"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"

"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"

"No, Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

I’m Cold

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here", said the one in the grave, "I'm cold". The other one looked over the edge and said, "No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you".

One For You, One For Me

On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered. "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery." He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man hobbling along with a cane. "Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."The man said, "Shoo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's find out if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, but they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought-iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

Murphy’s Grave

Mrs. Murphy is looking for the grave of her late husband (a notorious criminal) as it has been a while since she was there. she goes to the cemetery's management office and says "I am looking for my husbands grave" "Ok madam", say"s the director"What was his name?" "John Murphy" she answers. He looks through his large book for quite a time and says "sorry there are no John Murphys in our cemetery, nothing but one Mary murphy". The woman brightens up and says "Of course that’s it, everything was in my name"


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