The Carpenter and the Lawyer
The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.
At the Lumberyard
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
The Carpenter and the Policeman
A policeman watched suspiciously as a man stepped out of a van, holding is hands about two feet apart. The man hurried down the street; the policeman followed.
At the entrance to a building supply store, the suspect hands still apart, waited until a customer came through the door.
He darted through the open door behind the other person, seemingly afraid to touch the door with either hand. The officer quietly entered the store behind him, just in time to hear the stranger tell a clerk, "I need half a dozen three-by-fours cut exactly this long".
I Cut My Ear
Two carpenters, Joe and Bill, were working and Joe, up on a scaffold accidentley cut off his ear.
He yelled down to Bill..."Hey! Look out for my ear I just cut off!"
In a little bit Bill calls up to Joe, "Is this your ear?"
Joe looks down and says "Naw! Mine had a pencil behind it!"