A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Getting Home Early
I was taking a walk along the street yesterday when I bought a copy of the Big Issue from a bum.
The bloke said, "Its my last copy mate".
I said, "Lucky you! You'll get home early tonight then"
A kid walks down the street and sees a bum and asks him where’s his home… The bum says “I just started my new job. I’m homeless." So the kid goes home but stays outside. His parents ask him: “Why are you outside honey?" He replies: “Because this is my new job. I’m HOMELESS!!"
Plastic And Rubber
A guy went into a bar and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding,
"But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the guy asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The guy responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the guy rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste. I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose".
Sentencing A Bum
A bum pleaded guilty to attacking a $3.4 million Joshua Reynolds painting with a hammer in London's National Portrait Gallery.
If convicted, the man will be sentenced to remain homeless.