Brezhnev And The Sun
Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev went out on to the balcony.
'Hello, Leonid Ilyich, good morning,' he heard a voice say.
Brezhnev wondered who could be addressing him so respectfully. He looked right, then left, but saw only the sun.
'Was that you who said hello to me?' Brezhnev asked the sun.
'Yes, that's right,' replied the sun.
'Well then, hello, hello,' said Brezhnev, gratified that even the sun looked up to him.
Again Brezhnev went out on to the balcony.
'Good day, Leonid Ilyich,' the sun greeted him respectfully.
'And good day to you, too,' replied Brezhnev condescendingly.
Once more Brezhnev went out on to the balcony and waited for the sun to greet him. But the sun was silent.
'Why don't you greet me?' asked Brezhnev, frowning.
'Go to hell,' said the sun. 'I'm in the West now!'
The Kremlin organized a race between Brezhnev and Nixon.
Nixon was first to the finishing line, and Brezhnev second.
Next morning the Tass communique read:
Yesterday a race took place in the Kremlin. Comrade Brezhnev gained second place, and Nixon came second last.
Opening The Borders
Kosygin is talking to Brezhnev.
'Why don't you want to open up the borders?' asks Kosygin.
'Well, I would,' says Brezhnev, 'only I'm afraid everybody would rush out. We would be the only two left.'
Kosygin looks at Brezhnev in astonishment.
'You and who else?'
Stories About Brezhnev
During a break in a summit meeting in Helsinki, the Finnish president asked Brezhnev whether he collected stories against himself.
'I certainly do,' replied Brezhnev.
'Do you have many?' asked the Finnish president.
'Two camps full,' said Brezhnev.
The Soviet Computer Center
Brezhnev asked the Computer Centre to calculate how far they were from Communism. The scientists fed all the data into the computer and waited.
A day passed, another, a third ...and finally the computer disgorged its answer on perforated tape: 18 kilometres.
The scientists were astonished. It must be a mistake. The programme would have to be repeated.
They repeated it but again they got the same reply.
The institute's old janitor suddenly hit on the explanation:
`Listen, friends, there's no mistake, it's perfectly correct. Comrade Brezhnev told us that each Five-Year Plan would bring us one step closer to Communism.'