Bragging About Trains
A Texan was bragging to an Englishman about how big Texas is. "Why you could get on a train in east Texas on Monday morning, head due west all day Monday, continue overnight, and still be in Texas at sunset Tuesday," she said. The Englishman replied that you could do the same in England. British trains were just as slow.
Click And Jingle
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
During the Cold War the Russians used to boast that everything of importance had been invented in Russia first. I witnessed this myself at an international symposium of scientists that I attended in Zurich in 1955. After the formal papers were delivered on the first day, we all got together in the evening for drinks and conversation.
One of my American colleagues stood up and toasted, "Here's to Edison, who invented the incandescent lamp in 1879." Immediately Comrade Bulkhov, the head of the Russian delegation, stood up and toasted, "Here's to Vorobyev, who invented the incandescent lamp in 1875."
Then an Italian delegate stood and toasted, "Here's to Marconi, who invented radio signals in 1895." Right away Bulkhov stood up again and toasted, "Here's to Vorobyev, who invented radio signals in 1889."
Next a German scientist rose and toasted, "Here's to Braun, who invented the cathode ray tube in 1897." Again Bulkhov stood and toasted, "Here's to Vorobyev, who invented the cathode ray tube in 1889."
At this I could tolerate no more. I stood and toasted, "Here's to Comrade Bulkhov, who invented Vorobyev in 1955."
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. he's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well in school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"
The woman then replies, "He fixes things... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...."
Surgeons Bragging About Their Achievements
Three surgeons were discussing which one was the most skilled. The first surgeon said that a man had fallen across the railroad tracks, and a train had severed both legs just above the knees. After surgery and physical therapy, that man won the Olympic Marathon.
The second surgeon said that was nothing. A woman had been thrown head first through the windshield of a car and her face was sliced to ribbons. After surgery she won the Miss America contest.
The third surgeon said that was nothing. A man had been sucked into the air intake of a jet engine. The only thing that was recovered was a tiny piece of brain matter no larger than a pea. From that piece the surgeon reconstructed the entire man, and that man became the President of the United States.