A man walks into a restaurant and explains to the manager that he's from the mental hospital up the street. He says he would like to bring a group of the better-adjusted patients in for a meal, as part of their socialization process. The manager says that would be fine, he's always glad to support the local community.
"Fine", says the visitor, "but one other thing. We don't allow the patients to have money, so they all carry bottle caps. They will offer these for payment, just take them and I'll settle with you afterwards". The manager agrees, and they set a date.
The patients come in, order, enjoy their meal, are extremely polite to the wait staff, and when they leave, thank the manager and give him large handfuls of bottle caps. The manager tells the man from the hospital how pleased he is, and presents him the bill.
He looks at it and says "That's a little more than I expected, you got change for a manhole cover?"
A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. "Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you."The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three things to happen this year - The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title."The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.
Sarah is trying hard to get the tomato ketchup to come out of the bottle. As she is banging the bottom of the bottle the phone rings, so she asks her 4-year-old Faye to answer it.
"Mummy, it's the priest," shouts Faye. But before Sarah can get to the phone, Faye says to the priest, "My mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, “You are the reason I don’t have a wife", second bottle, “You are the reason I don’t have my children", third bottle “You are the reason I lost my job".
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says “Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"