An alcoholic guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks."
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."
The guys says: Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I''ve got.
The bartender says: What''ve you got?
The guy says: 75 cents.
A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and seems to calm down.
Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees him shaking and biting his nails again. She brings him another drink which he downs immediately. A half hour later she returns to see him shaking uncontrollably, and almost in tears.
“My goodness," the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly."
“I’m not afraid of flying," says the man.
“Then what’s the matter?
“I’m trying to give up drinking.".
Husband comes home drunk and breaks some plates, vomits and falls down on the floor! Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day when he gets up he expects her to be really angry with him, he prays that they should not have a fight but he finds a note on the table.
"Honey, your favourite Breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy groceries. I'll come running back to you, my Love. I love you darling!"
Surprised he asks his Son "What happened last night?"
Son replied "when mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt, you said 'hey lady! Leave me alone. I'm married and I love my wife!'"
An alcoholic husband gets home, and the following conversation ensues:
HUSBAND: My dear, it's like the light in the toilet is now automatic!
WIFE: What happened?
HUSBAND: When i opened the door the light came on and after i urinated and closed the door the light went off!
WIFE: Drunk idiot… you have gone to urinate in the FRIDGE again....
A man has an hour to wait before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at the airport bar.
He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whiskey glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink.
The man asks, “Nervous about flying?"
The nervous guy replies, “N-n-nervous? I’m t-terrified. I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we’re g-going to d-die."
“Is this your first time flying?"
“N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It’s m-my job."
“Why don’t you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?"
“H-he would never l-let me do that"
“Why not?" asks the man.
The nervous guy replies, “B-because, I’m the p-pilot.".