Doug and Bill, two winos, went out drinking one night and didn't get home till the wee hours.
They see each other the next day and Bill asks, "Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"
Doug replies, "No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."
One night a wino had a dream. He dreamed he got to go to Disney Land and spend the whole day.
The next morning he called up one of his wino buddies and told him about his dream. His buddy said " I had a dream last night too." "What was it about?" the first wino asked. "Well, I dreamed I was in a luxury penthouse suite and there were cases of expensive liquor!"
"Why didn't you call me? exclaimed the first wino.
The second wino said "I did call you, but your mom said you were at Disney Land."
The Saint Bernard
A wino decided was in Switzerland and decided to climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a St Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under its chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the wino. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it."
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A wino was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the wino stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"
Still staring down, the wino replied, "I think I just beat the cr*p out of a ghost!"
The Sunday Newspaper
A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."