Like My Wife
A serious drunk walked into a café and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the café, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Dropping The Secretary
Later that night John and Maureen were driving out to eat when the John spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
Benny bumps into his friend Sam and immediately asks, "I’ve just heard that your Estelle has recently won a lot of money on the Lottery, Sam."
"Yes, you’re right," replies Sam.
"So do tell me," asks Benny, "what’s the best thing that’s happened since Estelle won all that money?"
Sam replies, "She’s now stopped cooking."
One evening, Bernie says to his wife Ruth, "Have you noticed, darling, that the sparkle, excitement, and even fun, seems to have disappeared from our marriage?"
"Not now," replies Ruth. "Let's talk about it during the next commercial break."
Two friends met in a café after work and one said to other, "Great Switzerland, great. You have given me the most happy and pleasant moments of my life."
The second friend asked, "That is strange, you have never been to Switzerland."
The first friend said, "Yes but my wife has gone to Switzerland now."