5 Tree Jokes
The Tree’s Face
A lumberjack from Ontario decided to tour across America, when he got to Oregon he fell in love with the area so decided to find a job and settle down.
He applied for the open position of "Log Inspector" at one of the local mills so the foreman and the owner take him out to see what he really knows.
The foreman stops the truck and points to a tree and says, "What species is that big tree over there, and how many board feet of lumber does it contain?"
"That's a Douglas Fir, 383 board feet." the lumberjack answers, the foreman can see the owner is impressed.
They continue on about another mile and the foreman points to another tree and asks the same question.
"Hemlock, 285 board feet." the lumberjack answers, again the owner is visibly impressed.
After the third stop the owner is praising the lumberjack's talent and foreman is getting a bit worried that this new guy is actually smarter than him, he has to do something to make him look bad. He stops the truck and hands the lumberjack a piece of chalk, " Get out and mark the front of that big tree over there," he says winking at the owner.
The lumberjack gets out, walks around the tree while looking at the ground, stops and puts an X on the tree and returns to the truck.
"How in the heck do you know that is the front of the tree?" the foreman asks sarcastically.
"Cause somebody took a sh** behind it." the lumberjack replied.
He got the foreman's job.
A Funny Job
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Three Spanish tourists are up in a tree in Mexico when a policeman sees them.
"What are you doing up there?
Come on men, get down. Let's not have any of you falling and getting hurt!"
The guys get down ... "Ok. Now, who are you?"
"Wow, what a memory! We are the Spanish dudes from the tree!"
Trees on the Road
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped."
Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked. car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began.
"I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off ... "there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
The Three Questions
A woodworker is applying for a job and must answer three questions!
Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The woodworker says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the woodworker.
"Fair enough," says the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The woodworker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."
The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?
"Each of da trees is dirty now ! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The foreman is getting worried he's going to have to hire this fellow, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
"The woodworker stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, Ere you go. One hundred."
The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!
"The woodworker leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and cr*ps by each tree, see ? So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when I start?"