Your 5 Jokes for April 24, 2012: Secret Jokes

An Old Happy Man

A lady noticed an old happy man sitting on his porch. “Excuse me” she said “I just couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. Tell me, what is the secret to your long happy life.”

“Well, the man responded, “I eat fatty foods, never exercise. I also smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and drink about a case of whiskey a week”

“Wow” the women said “and how old are you?”

“Twenty eight”, he said!


Doilies

When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box.

When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00 He asked why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married, my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smiled, thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.


The Sea Captain

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

''Port Left, Starboard Right''


The Secret To A Longt Lasting Marriage

I met a man who had been married for 66 years.

“Amazing. 66 years!” I said. “What’s the secret to such a long, happy marriage?”

“Well,” he replied, “It’s like this. The man makes all the big decisions… and the woman just makes the little decisions.”

“Really?” I responded. “Does that really work?”

“Oh, yes,” he said proudly. “66 years, and so far, not one big decision!”


What’s Your Secret ?

Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.

Helen said, “Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what’s your secret?”

“My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o’clock sharp.”

“You wake up at six o’clock?”

”Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours.”