5 Miser Jokes
A Miser On His Deathbed
A miser businessman on his deathbed, breathing his last says : "My wife are you here?"
Wife: "Yes, dear, I am very much here with you."
"My dear daughter, are you here?"
Daughter: "Yes, dad, I am also near with you."
"My dear son, where are you? "
Son: "Yes, dad, I am also here. Don't worry!"
"What is going on? If all of you are here, who is there at our shop????"
A Promise Kept
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money, always denying himself and his wife any reasonable comfort because he didn't want to part with his precious money.
He loved his money more than anything, so just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
The wife promised she would do as he said.
One day the old miser died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black next to her closest friend.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her which she placed in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "I promised and I'm a good Christian; I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you just put every cent of his money in that casket?"
"I sure did," said the wife... "I got it all together, put it into my bank account and I wrote him a check."
Death And The Miser?
The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.
'How much does it cost to have an obituary printed?' asked miser Jeff.
'It's 50 cents a word, sir,' the clerk replied politely.
'Fine,' said Jeff after a moment. 'Okay then, write this down: 'Barry - dead'.'
'That's all?' asked the clerk disbelievingly.
'I'm sorry sir, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum.'
'Yes, you should've,' snapped Jeff. Now let me think a minute... okay, here goes: Barry dead. Maruti for Sale.'
There was a very stingy man who never gave entertainments at home. One day, his neighbor obtained the use of his hall and gave a banquet there. A passerby who saw the scene of bustle and excitement asked the valet of the stingy man: "Is your master entertaining his guests today?" "Decidedly not, " answered the valet. " It'll be a generation hence that you will hear of our master giving a dinner party. " His master happened to overhear the remark and soundly berated him: "Who gave you leave to fix a date?"
The Biggest Miser!
One day, Santa, Banta and their friend walked into a café together. They proceeded to buy a drink.
Just as they were about to enjoy their drink, three flies landed in each of their drinks.
Their friend pushed his soda away from him in disgust.
Banta fished the offending fly out of his soda and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
Santa picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the drink and then started yelling.
"Spit it out, Spit it out, You swine, Spit it out!"