The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.
"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."
The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my Facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."
Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"
Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."
"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh... is this 555-4821?"
The Cleaning Lady
I had a cleaning lady come to my house and when I opened the door I saw a 75-year-old lady standing there. So I told her what to clean and she worked but, it wasn’t done that great. So I asked her “how do you keep your job?" She then explained to me, “I just keep clients who can’t see any better than I can!"
The Good Housekeeper
A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the phone in the kitchen rings.
“Hello," says the man answering it.
“Hi," says a high woman’s voice. “This is Tiffany the housekeeper."
“Oh," says the man. “Hi Tiffany."
“Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you’d be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom."
“What sort of a problem?"
“Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the matress, it fell out."
“Well, what’s the problem, Tiffany?"
“Well, I wasn’t sure just where to put it back, so I just put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?"
“Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate it."
“Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found that diamond ring you’ve been missing."
“That’s wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put it?"
“In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!"
“And how did you lock it?"
“First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out and tried the top to make sure it was locked," says the housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his instructions.
“Good! And where did you put the key?"
“In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good china."
“Fantastic!" says the man, impressed.
“Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is going to be so surprised."
“Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a great housekeeper."
“Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night."
“You too, Tiffany. Good night."
The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says with a grin, “This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!"
I hired a new maid last year but she wasn’t doing a great job. I called her into the study and told that I was sorry but I was going to have to let her go. I tipped her an extra $20 and thanked her for her services. As she was leaving she threw a $10 bill to our dog, Lucy. I asked her, “What was that for?" She replied, “Can’t forget my helper! Lucy has a great tongue, and always helped me do the dishes!!!"