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Your 5 Jokes for January 11, 2013: Investment Jokes

After Five Years

Mark was 88 years old and went to see his financial advisor.

“So what do you think is an appropriate investment for me?" asked Mark.

“Well," replied the advisor, “I have found a terrific investment that will double your money in 5 years."

“Are you kidding?" said Mark, “a five year investment? Why, at my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."


Monkeys

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10.

And, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the City, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how Wall Street works!!


Recruitment

An investment firm is hiring mathematicians. After the first round of interviews, three hopeful recent graduates - a pure mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a graduate in mathematical finance - are asked what starting salary they are expecting.
The pure mathematician: "Would $30, 000 be too much?"

The applied mathematician: "I think $60, 000 would be OK."

The math finance person: "What about $300, 000?"

The personnel officer is flabberghasted: "Do you know that we have a graduate in pure mathematics who is willing to do the same work for a tenth of what you are demanding!?"

"Well, I thought of $135, 000 for me, $135, 000 for you - and $30, 000 for the pure mathematician who will do the work."


Stock Market

One day, little Benny asks his father Harry question, "Dad, what is the Stock Market?"

"Benny," replies Harry, "you’re too young to understand. Later."

"I am not that young," says Benny, "I want to know now."

"Please, wait a few years, then you will understand better."

"Dad, I don't want to start life poor, like you did, selling second-hand furniture. That’s why I want to know now"

"Alright, already," said Harry, "It's like this. You buy two chickens and the two chickens lay eggs. So, next year, you have thirty chickens. These thirty chickens then all lay eggs and these eggs turn into chickens. So you end up having thousands of chickens and you’re well off. You see, this is the stock market. You understand, Benny?"

"Yes, Dad."

"And then, one day, the sky opens up and it rains. It rains like in the days of Noah. The floods come and they wash away all the chickens until they drown and you then have only two or three chickens left. You see, this is the stock market - you should have bought ducks."


The Investor

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."