5 Husband and Wife Jokes

The Guest For Supper

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."


Hidden Cameras

Jane caught her husband Pete searching high and low all around his living room.

Jane: "What are you searching for?"

Pete: "Hidden cameras!"

Jane: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"

Pete: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, 'You are watching the Star World channel'. How does he know that?"


The Shrew

Colbert’s wife Bertha was a real shrew, a nag, a whiner, who made his life a hell on earth. When she died suddenly while screaming at him one morning, he nearly wept with joy.

At the funeral, they were carrying her casket to the grave when one of the pallbearers tripped on a big rock, and like dominoes, tripped all the other pallbearers. The casket went careening down the hill where the lid flew open as it crashed into a tree. Bertha sat up. It turned out that she was mistakenly thought to be dead and began screaming at poor Colbert. She lived another ten years, making Colbert’s life even more miserable than before.

Finally, after another day of screaming at Colbert, she suddenly dropped dead again. As the pallbearers were carrying her casket to the grave, Colbert yelled, “WATCH OUT FOR THE BIG ROCK”.


Valentine’s Day Present

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a wonderful gift, it was a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.

With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams".


Tickets

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

As the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "FOR THE LAST TIME WOMAN, WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?!"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

" Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."