In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Go ahead, Little Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale slept on the flounder."
"That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"
Again Little Johnny raises his hand.
"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale slept on the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."
This guy walks into a café talking on his hand. The café keeper asks "What the hell are you doing?" He says "I’m talking on my phone." The café keeper says "What do you mean? You’re talking on your hand?" He says "I know but it’s also a phone. Here tell me your number and I’ll call your house and you can talk to whoever is their. So the café keeper tells him his number and it works, but the bartender tells him not to talk on his hand here or he'll get kicked out. So he walks in to the bathroom. An hour later, the café keeper goes to check the guy. So he walks into the bathroom and the guy’s standing in the middle of the bathroom with toilet paper sticking out of his mouth. The café keeper asks "What are you doing now? The guy replied "I am waiting for a fax."
Issy and Sam, both elderly gentlemen, were in deep conversation. Sam said, "So, Issy, you’re the clever one, how do those so called mobile phones work?"
Issy replied, "Well, in the left hand you take the phone, and with the right hand you push the buttons. See. Nothing magic about it is there?"
But Sam was not satisfied with this answer.
"Well?" he says, "and how can one talk with the hands so busy?"
Open Your Hand!
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he finished, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand. 'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'
He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand, he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand, he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand, he’ll get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'
Two Handed Cheese
"Can I have some two-handed cheese, please?" a man in a restaurant asked the waiter.
"What do you mean, 'two-handed cheese'?' asked the waiter.
"You know, the kind you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the other."