An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Three old timers chatting at restaurant! They sat down at a table while waiting to be served. One of them said; "Hay Jake! Isn’t this your 50th anniversary?" Jake replies! "Yep." "Well," the old timer asked, "what are you planning on doing?" Jake replies, "well! I remember taking my wife to Arizona on our 25th anniversary." The other old timer asked, "Oh ya, so what are your plans for your 50th anniversary?" Jake replies, "I’m going back to pick her up!!!!!!!"
Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!" Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"
Maurice, an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said, "You’re really doing great, aren’t you?"
Maurice replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I did not say that. I said, You got a heart murmur. Be careful."
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.