Your 5 Jokes for May 16, 2013: Diagnosis Jokes


An army major went to a doctor because of his failing health. After thorough check up the doctor announced: “Hydropsy.”

“And what is Hydropsy?” The major asked.

Doctor: “There is more water in your body than is good for you.”

The major was a ‘whiskey-on-rocks’ guy. He exclaimed: “Water and me? My dear doctor, I will have you know that I never drink water.” And as an afterthought added: “It must have been all that ice.”

No Agreement

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

Not Sure

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, “Yes? ”

“Mrs. Ward, please.”


“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.

When your Doctor sent your husband’s samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks.

“Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which your husband’s is”

“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” questions Mrs. Ward.

“Normally, Yes. But Medicare won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”

Painful Elbow

A chap had a very painful elbow. He went to see his own doctor, who told him to rest it: no treatment was required, it was just tennis elbow.

Rather dissatisfied, he decided to go to a new computer-based medical service that had just opened up. He went inside the building and found the terminal, but there were no people in
sight. The instructions told him to slide his credit card through the slot, and that $150 would be debited. When he had done this, he was asked screen after screen of questions about
himself, until eventually a specimen bottle appeared. The instructions on the screen said, "Produce a saliva specimen and pour into slot on left," so he did. A few seconds later, the
screen read:

Diagnosis: Tennis elbow
Treatment: Rest
Well, he wasn't happy. $150 wasted just to be told the same thing again.

He thinks, "I'm going to confuse the hell out of that smug machine." He went home, took a bottle and put a scooped-up turd from his dog, some of his son's mucus, some crankcase oil from his car and some of his own gob into the bottle and mixed it thoroughly.

Then he went back to the computer.

He waved his card through the slot, answered the questions again and poured his mixture through the slot when asked.

There was a very long pause.

About half an hour later, the screen read:


1. Your dog has rabies.
2. Your son smokes pot.
3. Your car is going to throw a rod.
4. If you don't stop drinking, your tennis elbow will never get better.

The File

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file. He said it said "File not found". I told him to do a dir. I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed. He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat." I said type this in "type autoexec.bat". Again he got "File not found". I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed. He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'.