5 Death Jokes

I’m Dying

Husband texts to wife on cell..

"Hi, what are you doing Darling?"

Wife: I'm dying..!

Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"

Wife: "You idiot! I'm dying my hair."

Husband: "Bloody English Language!"


Attending The Funeral

On Tuesday, a maid asked her mistress for permission to be absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attend the funeral of her fiancé. The mistress gave the required permission sympathetically.

"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny," she remarked.

"Oh, no, ma'am," the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet. The hanging ain't till Friday."


Finnegan’s Wife

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.


Words Spoken Over The Coffin

Murphy, O'Brien and Casey sitting in a park discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says,

"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".

O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."

Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"


I Must Be Dead

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. The husband takes his wife's hand but she cries, "Don't touch me!"

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead".

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"